The Great Pretender

Many believe I have the perfect life—a well-to-do family, great friends, cum laude graduate, and almost a millionaire by a split second. If I were to look in the mirror and not recognize my reflection, I would easily be fooled, too. But I know that this life of mine is far from being perfect.

All my life, I lived according to a set of rules I myself formulated. I was my very own worst critic. It was hard living according those rules, but I was successful. So successful that I made myself believe I was happy. However, like in all life stories, I encountered a twist. I met him. And my life turned around. And at that point I realized a lot of things—about life, love, family, friends, and myself.

I noticed for the first time all the masks I’ve worn. I felt cramped inside the walls I’ve built around me. I saw the loopholes in the rules I’ve set.

I was devastated. For years, I have lived a meaningless and pretentious life. But he was there for me. He helped me up. He destroyed all the masks, crushed the wall, and burned down the rules. He fought my battle and won it for me. And for the first time in my entire life, I was happy.

Don’t get me wrong. Those times were like the dark ages. There was fire all around me. I hear howls and wails and shrieks of pain. I was in pain, too. But I was too happy to regard their pain and recognize mine. Then again, he did. And to spare everyone from pain, he did what he thought was right and left.

Then I died. I died when he left. And over the past 5 years, I’ve died over and over again. But as the saying goes, the show must go on. So despite so many deaths, I went on with my show the way I knew how. I created new masks, built a stronger wall, and formulated stricter rules. And so goes my life. The perfect life.

Five years is far too long. I've gotten so used to this kind of life already. And just like everybody else, I believed this life is A-okay. Until now.

I met my achi’s friend a while ago. He has a gift of knowing people. It’s not like premonition where he sees your future. He just sees and knows—you. He looked at me, he read my palm, and just like that, he saw me the way I really was. He saw me behind the masks and walls. It’s true—the truth does hurt.

He told me I’m too stubborn. I refuse to live my destiny. I keep pushing it away and live another life instead. He mentioned that I know I’m wasting my time on my job right now. Real estate isn’t for me. My luck is in cloth or food. I asked for specifics. He insisted that I already know what I wanted. Yet I deny that to myself.

In fact, he alleged I’ve denied everything about me, from my birth status to everything else—everything including love. He said I’m gonna marry 2 years from now. I laughed. Who the hell am I gonna marry???!!! He said I already know. I’ve already met him; I already love him. But I continue to deny.

Have I been so good in denying and pretending that I was able to fool even myself with all these lies? Is this for real? I’m scared that my answers might be lies too.

I’m tired of thinking. My head’s aching. My eyes are puffy. It’s 2 am already. I’m gonna sleep now. Perhaps when I wake up, I’ll get my answers.